Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
