i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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