theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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