He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
