she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
