I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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