Don't make out with my wife yet
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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