If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just had sex on a roof
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
