I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
