I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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