my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
