also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
