Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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