Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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