i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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