finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
