Jerry, you need to find god
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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