We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
