His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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