pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
