Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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