i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
