Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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