You don't have asthma, your pregnant
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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