Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
