Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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