And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
