2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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