Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
