i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
