Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
