My Higher Power is John Stamos
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
