He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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