OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
