Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
