She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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