fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
