i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
