I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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