I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
operation have a gay friend backfired
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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