Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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