Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize