last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
