Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
