When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i think i have two assholes
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm at about main and main street
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
