I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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