i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
