I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
