His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
