dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
