So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
