I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
