I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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