We're like a lot better than the average bears
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize