Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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