had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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